magical sanctuary

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Is online relationship counted as the real deal? Are online crushes counted as real ones? Can you totally say that you are not affected in real life by what is happening with your online relationships? I know i can’t. It is hard being cynical about it. I am not a damn robot and i was wrong to think that i can separate my real life and my virtual life.

I never had a boyfriend in real life. “Boo hoo”, “yeah right”, “stop being a bitch”, “act like a girl for crying out loud” and all other comments. Give me a comment and most probably i’ve heard it before. I used to think, what’s wrong with being single nowadays? Or for that matter, why do we need relationships for? To be committed to just one person. My friends who have boyfriends tried to explain to me the difference of having flings, MUs and having the real deal. I like flings. Been there done that little things. What do i need boyfriends for? If i want a date, it is easy to call someone up. If i want to kiss someone, then what the heck! Who’s stopping me? I never go beyond petting so i guess if that is what relationships are for… they are not for me.

After some time i started to think.. who am i fighting? I realized i am only fighting myself. I have never tried a relationship so i decided to join in the “bliss” they call love life. I want to experiment but I dont want to be a user. Being a user will not benefit me too since it will provide me a biased point of view. I decided to try having an online relationship. It can’t be that far from the real life one, can it? Mind you, it wasn’t easy for me. My 1st relationship ended a little more than a month after it started. We were friends to begin with and we are still friends now. I’m happy that i had the time to get to know him better. My 2nd relationship ended last week. I was the one who ended it. Long story but i think i made the right decision. I can’t say i loved them. I guess i still don’t know how to say if I really am in love. I do know i cared for them and i do hope that they reciprocated too.

Now what do i learn after going through hell and back? That was the right word to use.. hell. After my 1st relationship, i thought i am prepared the 2nd time… Wooot! Poor me.. i never learn. I think i will go back to my old me. The girl who used to go in and out of flings. The carefree girl who never had a boyfriend. Singlehood comments here i come again and i welcome you with arms open wide. It’s a good thing reality is very different from virtuality. You could be an introvert in real life and a total extrovert online. Lesson for me: Experiments are good but adventures are better. The next time i’m going to have a boyfriend, it is going to be the real adventure. Both online and offline. But first, i need to cut some slack. Go out again and meet some guys. Pick-up-lines never worked to get me before and i do believe it will still not work now even though my dating skills have become rusty.

I’ll stop this blog for now. Relationship is not really a picnic and soul searching has never been my cup of tea.

1st appeared in my nth blog on August 23, 2004

`Nuff to say that heartbreaks still hurt in real life much as it did online… being single is what i do best. I think.